BRAD PITT HAS BEEN LIVING WITH MATT DAMON’S NOSE SINCE 1999 – AND VICE VERSA!

https://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/179651/brad-pitt-has-been-living-with-matt-damons-nose-since-1999-and-vice-versa/

https://weeklyworldnews.com/?p=179651

Lady Sees All After Lightning Strike

“The world is preoccupied with so many other matters.” Mary Denford is sitting on the trunk of her car, smoking a Pall Mall.

“It started with the impeachment. Then the pandemic. Then the protests. Through all of this, people stopped paying close attention to what they were watching.”

Denford flicks her cigarette. Ash falls to the side of her 1979 Pontiac FIrebird Trans Am. It’s black and gold. “Like my mind,” Denford says. “Like my mind.”

BEGAN IN PRODUCE

Denford began working in the produce department of a supermarket in her home town of Harris Flats. About a year after she started working, she was walking to her car at night when she was hit by lightning. 

“At that moment,” she says, “I saw the universe in all its glory, from the Caves of Origin to the Reticulations of Outer Inquiry.” The lightning strike also converted Denford, a lifelong opponent of tobacco products, into a chain smoker.

There were many secondary effects of the phenomenon, not the least of which was that Denford, when watching movies, can immediately sense if any actor is in possession of any other actor’s body part. 

“For example,” she says, lighting up another Pall Mall, “did you know that for about a year now, Julia Stiles has had one of Claire Danes’s fingers? Right hand, index. Dame Judy Dench has had one of Benedict Cumberbatch’s ears for about five years. And in what I can only call the most egregious example of the phenomenon, Brad Pitt has had Matt Damon’s nose since 1999—and vice versa!” She takes a long drag. “Let me do it,” she says.

“Do what?” says her interviewer, and then covers his mouth, aware that he has suddenly—perhaps fatally—inserted himself into the story. 

LET HER CALL IT

“Let me call it the most egregious example of the phenomenon,” she says. “Brad Pitt has had Matt Damon’s nose since 1999—and vice versa! How egregious, more so than any other example of the phenomena.”

Denford slides down off the hook of her Trans Am. She walks around to the passenger’s side, reaches through the open window, and pulls the handle of the glove compartment, which opens, spilling out loose Pall Malls.

“Right now,” she says, “in the Wave-Plain of Caliper Velt-Tone, an idea is spinning at a velocity that no one could have previously ascertained. It will make its way here across the galaxies and cause an equal mix of jubilation and sorrow.”

The post BRAD PITT HAS BEEN LIVING WITH MATT DAMON’S NOSE SINCE 1999 – AND VICE VERSA! appeared first on Weekly World News.

LACK OF FIREWORK DISPLAYS FORCED THOUSANDS TO LIGHT THEIR FARTS

https://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/179638/lack-of-firework-displays-forced-thousands-to-light-their-farts/

https://weeklyworldnews.com/?p=179638

“I ATE A LOT OF BEANS SO I COULD SHOW MY TRUE PATRIOTISM,” SAYS LOCAL ORGANIZER.

With the pandemic rearing its ugly head, more and more towns cancelled their 4th of July fireworks displays. It was a healthy, responsible thing to do.

But, more and more small towns, like Wynott, South Dakota, found a way to have their own special fireworks display, one that didn’t involve uniting thousands of unmasked and vulnerable attendees or setting off chemical explosions over their heads.

“We formed a group,” says a masked Lem Pitken, local firefighter and visionary. “We called it ‘The Flatulent Freedom Fighters.’ We lit our farts on the City Hall’s roof. It’s the tallest building in town. Everyone in Wynott was able to see it from their front porches or their back lawns. It was one of the most colorful displays we’ve ever had.”

Pitken admits that the show may not have been thrilling as a real fireworks display but it did offer other plusses. “For the first time, the fireworks display did not leave a sulfur odor all over town. It smelled more like baked beans. A ton of baked beans. Everyone ate two hours before nightfall. We were all ready and poised when it came to the lighting ceremony. The crowd inhaled and enjoyed it. I mean, who doesn’t like baked beans?

“And, unlike regular, pre-planned fireworks displays, this one was spontaneous and random, sort of like an improv deal.”

He chuckles. “Let’s be honest. Half of the forty guys on the roof were dead drunk. We all know what a couple of hours of eating beans and guzzling booze can produce when the cigarette lighters are lit. Regular fireworks displays sometimes send burning embers out into the crowds. This one was a little more chunky.”

“EVERY GREAT PRESIDENT HAS FARTED!”

When asked how he came about this idea, Pitken explained. “A group of us felt like we owed it to fart for our country. In these troubling times, why don’t we unite in something truly American? Farting. I can guarantee you that every American hero, every patriot, every great President has farted.”

He smiled a patriotic smile. “To all my fellow citizens. We feel your pain and we farted in your direction.”

A siren blared.

“That’s the ten minute mark,” Pitken said. “We going to have an encore today.” He dropped his mask, grabbed two hot-dogs slathered in sauerkraut and sprinted off. “I intend to give a follow-up display tonight that will go down in the history books!”

As he ran off, the paramedics saluted him.

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PORTAL TO HECK!

https://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/179612/portal-to-heck/

https://weeklyworldnews.com/?p=179612

Ordinary Household Mirror Opens to Not-ToO-Bad Dimension!

The Miller family of St. Paul, Minnesota, noticed something strange about the mirror in an upstairs bathroom.

“It would shimmer when you looked in it, and if we listened closely we could hear a high-pitched noise,” said Melanie Miller, 49, who moved into the house on Ferris Lane about a year ago with her husband, Gerald, 52, and her teenage children, Lily, 16, and Anna, 14.

“It was the guest bathroom,” said Anna. “But Lily started spending more time in the bathroom we share, so I made it mine. And sometimes, Mom would come up if Dad was in the master bath. It was sort of our place.”

One afternoon, Anna and Melanie were in the bathroom when the mirror puckered and made a popping noise. Suddenly, both of them saw in the reflection a lake of flame. “It was far away in the mirror, but it was calling to us,” said Anna. “I felt my legs moving by themselves.”

THEY STEPPED IN

First Anna stepped into the mirror, and then her mother followed. 

“I was a little embarrassed,” said Melanie. “The two of us weren’t fully dressed. So there we go, two ladies in sports bras, into god knows what it was.”

What it was, the pair soon found out, was a demonscape. Even before they could reach the lake of flame, a horned figure appeared before them, rasping out commands in a language that neither understood. “As it turned out,” said Anna, “It was just normal English backwards. Like on the Rolling Stones records.”

“Beatles records, honey,” said Melanie.

“I thought the Beatles were the nice ones and the Rolling Stones were the mean ones,” said Anna.

“It’s more complicated than that,” said Melanie.

“”Anyway,” said Anna, “this demon-type guy started giving orders and pointing at our sports bras. It was creepy.”

AFTER A WHILE

“After a little while, I understood him,” said Melanie. “It turned out that he was just complimenting our clothing.”

“Yeah,” Anna said. “The place looked kind of hellish, but to be honest, it was nice. Pleasant weather, and the demons were mostly really cool. There was the persistent smell of sulfur, and you could hear screams, but no place is perfect.”

“He said that I didn’t look a day over thirty,” said Melanie. “Flattery will get you everywhere.”

“Gross, Mom,” said Anna.

“He said you had nice eyes,” said Melanie. 

“Whatever,” said Anna.

RETURN TRIPS

The Millers were eventually drawn back through the mirror to their upstairs bathroom. 

“We want to try to go back to Lakeland,” said Anna. “That’s what we call it.”

“It might look like hell, but it’s our little slice of heaven,” said Melanie. 

The post PORTAL TO HECK! appeared first on Weekly World News.

EQUIVOCAL OPTIMISM! SAL SINGS OF HARD CLIMB BACK

https://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/179618/equivocal-optimism-sal-sings-of-hard-climb-back/

https://weeklyworldnews.com/?p=179618

“The numbers aren’t good. But songs aren’t numbers,” said Sal Donato, our resident troubadour. “I mean, songs are numbers, sort of. People say ‘Play another number’ or ‘Play that number again.’ But they’re not numbers in the way that statistics are numbers, like coronavirus cases. I mean, cases are people, and people aren’t just statistics. But songs aren’t statistics. Though I know a guy who was in a New Wave band called The Statistics. Remember them? Their hit was ‘One, Two, Four.’ Numbers.” 

“Let me take over here,” said Boyce Day, lyricist. “The country is still struggling mightily, but there’s a real desire to come back into the light following this crisis. This song reflects that desire.”

“Wow,” said Sal. “So straightforward and succinct. I guess that’s why you’re the word guy.”

“You got that right, piano and vocals,” said Day.

Weekly World News is proud to present Day and Donato’s latest, “Back At It.”

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POSSESSED HOME FLEES EXORCIST!

https://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/179614/possessed-home-flees-exorcist/

https://weeklyworldnews.com/?p=179614

“I’VE NEVER SEEN A HOUSE ACTUALLY SPRINT,” SAYS POLICE CHIEF

When Weekly World News was contacted by world-famous “Ghost Destroyer” Hans Von Booten about a possessed house about to be exorcised by the maverick exorcist priest, Father Jules Crusher, we knew we had to be there.

When Weekly World News arrived, we were greeted by Von Booten, a tall, thin man with a ball-gag in his mouth. He removed the gag. “I’m so glad you could come.” He glanced over his shoulder at a rather strange looking house. “Father Crusher is on his way. This is a big one. We’ve evacuated the tenant. It’s just going to be the priest and the house.”

At that point, a nouveau riche fellow of impeccable taste strode up to us. “I’m Chaz Verdue. I’m the owner of Sizzling Sorta Singles. com. I live in that house.”

He stared at the house and sighed. “I should have done more research before I moved in, I suppose. Not really my fault. I didn’t know about the massacre that left 36 people dead. I had no idea about the sixteen suicides; the 1920s jazz band encased in cement below the bathroom and the vortex in the cellar the leads to Hell. I just thought it would be a cool place to put down roots.”

At that point, Father Crusher arrived in a Jeep, pulling out a suitcase with him. He greeted us, opened his case and pulled out a Bible and a Super-Soaker filled with Holy Water. “I have to identify who or what is possessing this house. I will pray and spread the Holy Water.”

Chaz snorted derisively. He was about to make a sarcastic remark when Von Booten handed him the ball gag. “You need it more than I do,” he said.

THINGS GO SIDEWAYS

Father Crusher stood before the house. “Demons of the house! Identify yourselves!” He waited a long minute before he activated his Holy super-soaker. The Holy Water hit the front door and sizzled. The house creaked to life. The door opened and a wave of flames shot out, causing the priest to run for his life.

He pulled out his cell phone and barked out commands as he approached us. “It’s the Big Guy. The Lord of the Flies. Satan himself. I’ve called for backup!”

He grabbed his Holy Super Soaker. “I’m going back in!” Holy Water filled the air as the priest charged. At that point, things went sideways. The house became fully animated, pulled itself off its foundation and sprinted down the street, the priest in pursuit. Without thinking, Von Booten and WWN dove into his car and gave pursuit. Chaz jumped in the back seat. “Wmrpghs,” he exclaimed, still wearing the ball gag.

“WE GOT A RUNAWAY!”

The police arrived in the person of Sgt. Clifton O’Malley. “Is that house sprinting?” he called to us, “I’ve never seen a house sprint before. Let’s help the priest!” He drove off in his cruiser.

The demon house galloped through town, carefully avoiding lampposts and parking meters, the priest pursuing him with his sputtering super soaker. Von Booten pulled up just as Father Crusher ran out of water. “Reinforcements are on the way!” he called, leaping into the car.

O’Malley, still in pursuit, yelled: “It’s heading for the golf course!”

The priest smiled enigmatically as both cars pulled up to the golf course. The house was in resting mode near the 16th green. Father Crusher turned to O’Malley. “Get ready to turn on the sprinkler system.” O’Malley ran off as the sound of a helicopter filled the air. Crusher got on his phone and gave a few orders. He turned to us. “Gentlemen, you’re about to see the first Holy Water air drop.”

THE HOLY SPIGOT TAKES ACTION

A firefighting chopper cruised over the house and let loose a torrent of water. The house writhed and screamed in fury, burps of smoke emerging from its windows and doors as the Holy Water took effect. “Turn on the sprinklers!” called Crusher. He bent over one of the pop-up sprinklers and made the sign of the cross.

“Oh, Lord, bless the water coming from this holy spigot and bless the water coming from all its nozzled friends. Begone, Satan! Crawl into the eternal sand trap and meet your fate!”

Under the constant barrage of Holy Water, the house swayed and collapsed with a breathy sigh. It was over. All that remained was wooden timbers and a completely destroyed golf course.

“Good has once again triumphed,” Von Booten announced. “Now, let’s get the Hell out of here before the grounds crew shows up.”

Chaz pulled out his gag and turned to Von Booten. “Do these come in flavors?”

The post POSSESSED HOME FLEES EXORCIST! appeared first on Weekly World News.

BIGFOOT ACCEPTS! BAT BOY COMMITS TO HIS VP PICK.

https://weeklyworldnews.com/mutants/179603/bigfoot-accepts-bat-boy-commits-to-his-vp-pick/

https://weeklyworldnews.com/?p=179603

BAT BOY 2020 CAMPAIGN READY TO TAKE ON TRUMP AND BIDEN!

WASHINGTON, DC. – At a press conference at the Lincoln Memorial, Bat Boy announced that Bigfoot will be his 2020 Vice Presidential.running mate!

Bat Boy had originally planned on selecting Bigfoot, but then Bigfoot went missing for several month. There was a lot of pressure on Bat Boy to pick another running mate, but he stuck to his work, to his principles.

Through an interpreter, Bat Boy told Weekly World News that he is “thrilled to have Bigfoot on the ticket. Together we plan to save America. We want everyone to love another again. Right wing and left wing! We are one!”

Bat Boy made two other announcements at the press conference. First, he announced that P’lod, who has advised every president since Ronald Reagan, will be his 2020 campaign manager. This was a major development because representatives of both the Biden and Trump campaigns were trying to lure P’Lod to their side. But P’lod believes that Bat Boy has what it takes to be the first third party candidate to win the Presidency of the United States.

P’Lod
Bat Boy 2020 Campaign Manager

P’lod made just a brief statement to the press: “Aliens from every planet in the universe support Bat Boy for President. It’s time for a major change. A time to bring hope back to America. We will run. We will win!”

ANOTHER BIG WIN FOR BAT BOY!

The other major announcement by Bat Boy had to do with his cabinet. Even though it is a bit premature, Bat Boy wanted the world to know that Ph.D Ape would be his Secretary of State. Through his interpreter, Bat Boy told reporters: “Ph.D Ape is the most intelligent being on this planet. He will represent the United States better than any Secretary of State in our history and he will bring the world together.” Leaders of the world, including Boris Johnson of Great Britain, heralded the choice. “Ph.D Ape has the respect of ALL world leaders. We can’t wait to sit down with him and hear his solutions to all our global problems.”

Ph.D Ape
SECRETARY OF STATE for Bat Boy

Bat Boy promised there would be more announcements in the coming weeks. And he promised to aggressively campaign in all 50 states.

Weekly World News has several reporters embedded in the Bat Boy/Bigfoot 2020 campaign. It will be an exciting summer and fall!

The post BIGFOOT ACCEPTS! BAT BOY COMMITS TO HIS VP PICK. appeared first on Weekly World News.

SOY MILK TURNS BOY INTO WARTHOG!

https://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/179597/soy-milk-turns-boy-into-warthog/

https://weeklyworldnews.com/?p=179597

“HE’S STILL OUR SON,” DECLARES FATHER. “WE JUST HAVE TO WATCH THE TUSKS.”

“SOY MILK TURNS BOY INTO WARTHOG,” read the headlines of the North Tummler Times. Intrigued, Weekly World News did some research and, then, departed for the town of North Tummler. We arrived at the Hartlynd home, accompanied by police chief Mark Downe. We were greeted at the door by Mr. Harry Hartlynd, who immediately mistook us for someone else. “Do you have the legal papers?” he grinned.

He then noticed the police chief. Weekly World News presented its identification. Flustered, Harry led us into his home. It was packed, nearly floor to ceiling, with peanuts and bananas. Before we could react, we heard a woman screaming from the back yard. “That would be Bernice,” Harry said, before darting towards the back door. “Coming Bernice!”

We ran into the backyard and saw a woman up in a tree. Below her, a warthog in hot pants was bashing its tusks into the tree. “Bad Timmy Tusker!” Harry yelled, picking up a shovel and fighting off the boar. His wife jumped down from the tree and dashed inside. Harry waved the shovel at the snorting boar before leading us back inside the house. “Kids, huh?”

He explained to us that his son, Timmy, had pigged out on a half-gallon of soy milk. The next day, he was transformed into a wild boar. “He’s still our son. We just have to watch the tusks. On the plus side? He’s losing some weight. He’s off carbs. He likes to dig up the yard with his nose. He loves our garbage, too.”

Weekly World News was curious. “What legal papers were you talking about, before?”

THE PLOT THICKENS AND THE WART HOG HUMPS A LAWN MOWER

Harry didn’t reply. Outside, the warthog began humping a lawnmower. Weekly World News then revealed its research. It seems that Harry and Bernice were expecting a payoff from the soy milk company to keep this quiet. Arrange for a lifetime’s worth of soy milk. Harry denied this.

Weekly World News went on: six months ago the Hartlynds claimed that their son, Charlie, had eaten tainted bananas and turned into a chimpanzee. Their lawyer got a hefty settlement from the banana company, negotiating for a lifetime of bananas. The peanuts? That would be from son, Eddie, who became a baby elephant after chowing down on nasty nuts. The Hartlynds’ lawyer negotiated a bigger deal.

HARRY BUSTED

Harry Hartlynd was stunned as Weekly World News produced paperwork showing that he had no children and he had rented a few exotic animals over the past year and a half.

Chief Downe was exasperated. “I should have seen the pattern,” he sighed. “None of their kids attended the local schools. I would have noticed a baby elephant running for the school bus.”

He produced a set of handcuffs. “Sorry, Harry.”

“Wait! What if I donate the peanuts and bananas to the local food bank? There’d be a lot of folks who’d like that. Plus, it’s a constant supply!”

He paused. “And if you let me close the soy milk deal, there’ll be a lot of happy kids in town.”

The Chief glanced at Weekly World News and we nodded in agreement. The Chief put away the cuffs. “All right, Harry, we all know how hard it is to just get by, these days. And donating to the food bank helps the whole town. Just swear to me that you’ll never do this again.”

“I promise,” Harry stated.

At that point, the front door bell rang. The Chief walked over and swung it open. A deliveryman stood in the doorway. “Okay,” the deliveryman declared. “Who here ordered a rhinoceros?”

The post SOY MILK TURNS BOY INTO WARTHOG! appeared first on Weekly World News.

DEAR DOTTI

https://weeklyworldnews.com/advice/179502/dear-dotti/

https://weeklyworldnews.com/?p=179502

AMERICA’S MOST OUTSPOKEN ADVICE COLUMNIST!

I’m back! I got tired of sitting around looking at my cats and watching the world go to hell. I figured I’d get back to work, helping Americans sort out their lives. So here’s my newest batch of advice for those who keep on sending me questions. I hope I can impart some common sense wisdom for you.

If you have any questions, email me at editor@weeklyworldnews.com and they’ll make sure I get them.

And yes, I know my picture is old. Well, so am I! Do you think I want to put up a recent photo of me for the whole damn world to see? Yes, I do! But for now, just look at me in my prime. I was a real looker, wasn’t I? Damn right I was!

Thanks for supporting Dotti over years!

I’VE FALLEN MADLY IN LOVE WITH MY MOM’S BEST FRIEND!

Dear Dotti: One of my mom’s old friends from high school, Natalia, stayed with us during the pandemic because she couldn’t go back to her home in Italy. My father died two years ago and my mom really loved having her around for company during these difficult times. And I really loved being around her as well – she is the coolest woman ever.

One night, when my Mom was passed out on the couch, Natalia lured me into her bedroom. I don’t need to tell you what happened next. but I should tell you that I’ve fallen head over heels in love with her. I’m only 19 and Natalia is 61, but she’s really young at heart and knows how to treat a guy. So how can I tell mom about my feelings, Dotti? I’m really stumped over this one. – Mitch in Massachusetts.

Dear Mitch: It’s never easy to tell as a parent you’ve fallen in love with a geezer THREE TIMES your age. With that in mind, you might want to keep this sick little secret to yourself until your go-go granny grows up – and dumps you for a retiree!

HUBBY ALWAYS HANGS OUT AT THE FIREHOUSE AND I’M BURNING UP

Dear Dotti: Am I a bad person for wanting my husband to put his family before the fire department? He’s a part-time firefighter who spends all his time at the firehouse gambling away all our savings in card games.

Things are so bad that he actually refused to go visit my mother in Florida last fall. — Sick of Firemen in Akron.

Dear Sick: You’re definitely not a bad person for wanting your husband to put his family first. Tell the jerk to get his priorities straight – or give him the boot!

HOW DO I GET MOM OFF DRUGS?

Dear Dotti: My mother is smoking a lot of dope and I’d give anything to help her get off. What can I do to help her, Dotti? – Sad in Frisco.

Dear Sad: It won’t be easy, but you need to get her over to Narcotics Anonymous right away! They’ll see to it that she gets herself back on track, and off the ganja. One day she’ll thank you for it!

BOYFRIEND DOESN’T KNOW I HAVE HERPES

Dear Dotti: My boyfriend and I are starting to get real serious and it’s only a matter of time before we wind up in bed.

Do you think I should tell him I’ve got herpes before that time comes or wait? – Undecided in Baton Rouge.

Dear Undecided: Tell your boyfriend the truth straight away. If he is a real man, he’ll understand. Or he’ll dump you. But it always pays to do the right thing, even if it hurts!

AM I A FOOL FOR SAVING MYSELF FOR MARRIAGE?

Dear Dotti: Ever since I was a young girl growing up, I was sure I would save myself for marriage. Even now, at the age of 37, I still prize my virginity. Unfortunately, I’m not the most exciting woman in the world and I rarely date. So it looks like I’m saving myself for spinsterhood and nothing else.

Given my situation, do you think I should forget about saving myself? I’m so inexperienced I don’t know what to do, Dottie. Can you help? — Melissa in Kansas

Dear Melissa: You’ve saved yourself for almost 40 years, so another four or five couldn’t possibly hurt. If you haven’t latched your claws onto a man at that point, you might give serious thought to forgetting this virginity business – and take anything you can get!

CAN AN UGLY GUY FIND HAPPINESS?

Dear Dotti: I’m so depressed I don’t know what to do. you see, I’m ugly – real ugly – and I’ve never met a woman who’ll have anything to do with me. Do you have any advice to help me find a woman or am I doomed to a life of loneliness? – Ugly in Columbia.

Dear Ugly: A lot of ugly people find partners and I don’t see why you should be an exception. For starters, set your sights low. There are a lot of ugly gals out there who’d give anything for a man – even you!

That’s all for now. Please send me your questions: editor@weeklyworldnews.com

The post DEAR DOTTI appeared first on Weekly World News.

UFOS OVER HOUSTON

https://weeklyworldnews.com/aliens/179559/ufos-over-houston/

https://weeklyworldnews.com/?p=179559

NASA confirms that they are from Planet Zeeba!

Aliens from Planet Zeeba were flying over Houston every night over this past week.
There were numerous sightings of strange objects caught on camera. And nobody could explain it, until today.

Hundreds of citizens, including  Dr. Jack Blanton,  captured the images on his digital camera from a vantage point in Houston Heights looking toward Montrose.

Blanton told Weekly World News, “The flying objects appear between 9:00 and 10:00 p.m. every night.” The strange part is they flying much too fast to see with the naked eye. But when we slowed down the video, several it was clear that they were alien spaceships.”

Weekly World News contacted Dr. Susan Begley, the Director of the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials.  She was in Houston to investigate the sightings.  “The U.N. also confirmed that the ships over Denver are from Planet Zeeba. They passed over Houston and disappeared. It appears that they Zeeban spaceships are headed toward the Rocky Mountains.”

Dr. Begley told Weekly World News that the Zeebans arrived on Earth in November of 2019 and are here to help earthlings defend against the Gootans (from Planet Gootan). “Zeebans do not want to leave the Gootans unchecked or monitored,” Dr. Begley said. “If they are, they will quickly dominate Earth. The Zeebans want to help us strengthen our defenses and, of course, intelligence.”

“Alien warriors from both planets are setting up their operation bases.  The  U.N. is working closely with the Zeebans to prepare for the massive Gootan invasion.”

THE COMING BATTLE

Aviation experts and representatives from The Trump Administration have denied that the UFOs over Houston were from Planet Zeeba. Some in The White House are even denying that they are UFOs.

“The U.S. government and world governments are covering up the coming Gootan alien invasion.  They do not want to alarm citizens of the world.  But the alien invasion is well underway and the ‘final battle’ is only a year away,” said Dr. Begley.

She is happy to learn that the Zeebans are already mobilized to help. “We’re gonna need them,” said Dr. Begley.

The post UFOS OVER HOUSTON appeared first on Weekly World News.

TED CRUZ DARES THE HULK TO FIGHT DONALD TRUMP

https://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/179553/ted-cruz-dares-the-hulk-to-fight-donald-trump/

https://weeklyworldnews.com/?p=179553

AND THEY BOTH ACCEPT!

Weekly World News has learned that Republican Texas Senator Ted Cruz has been engaged in a Twitter war with The Incredible Hulk. Apparently, the whole kerfuffle began in the wake of President Donald Trump’s crash and burn in Tulsa, when The Hulk tweeted. “Him white dopey.”

For reasons known only to Ted Cruz and several of his care-givers, the Senator allegedly tweeted a reply: “Do you think you’re so hot because you’re green? You think you can beat White Dopey?”

Hulk tweeted back. “Bring it on.”

Cruz supposedly boasted. “Put your money where you mouth is.”

Hulk replied. “Tastes funny.”

Cruz was on a roll. “How about you two fight and the prize of $50,000 will go to the winner’s favorite charity.”

“One million dollars,” Hulk answered.

“Done!” Cruz supposedly enthused.

Word of the agreement spread through Washington, D.C. like wildfire. Apparently, the last one to find out about it was the President himself. According to unnamed sources, some taken to the Emergency Room, the President threw a fit that was actually seen from space. He was hosed down after the event and the 18th century chair he gnawed to a stub was taken away. He supposedly summoned Cruz, at that point.

By the time Cruz arrived, the President had been blow-dried and fluffed and was at his most cordial. Then, he abruptly exploded, the force of his wrath blowing off Cruz’s newly-grown muttonchops.

IT COULD BE THE BIGGEST GATHERING IN THE PRESIDENT’S HISTORY

According to a witness hiding under a sofa, Cruz then talked-up the match. It could be the biggest gathering in the President’s history. Of course, his critics would say that he was debasing the office, but that would only help the publicity. Not only will he get all of his solid fans to show up but also he’ll get the “elitist, power-worshipping, sci-fi hep cats.” If the President can syphon off some of The Incredible Hulk’s fan base, he’ll be good as gold this November.

“And this can be pay-for-view around the globe…” Cruz enthused.

“Globe?”

“Across the flat Earth,” Cruz replied.

“Can he kill me?” the President asked. “The Incredible Hulk?’

“Not with the Secret Service there!” Cruz supposedly cackled.

The President mulled the idea.

“How big can the stadium be, how fast can we get it and how much should we charge for tickets!”

Weekly World News will stay on the case…we also might open a concession stand.

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